Dating straight guys
Maybe it would be good if therapists informed clients of that option as standard practice, just so they know it works for some guys who want to return to the sexual tastes they had earlier in their lives.
I'm a straight man but I found this article interesting.
I recently spoke with Joe about the book, and I wanted to share a few of his thoughts below. Number two is that I wanted to write this book for the men themselves, because they’re usually very confused. And I think it’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am saying that most of the time these men who are being sexual with other men aren’t gay. First off, I want to know if the man had any “youthful noticing.” Was he noticing other males in a sexual way when he was young? A lot of the time they didn’t know what to call it, but they knew that they had an attraction to men – the locker room, the boy scouts or wherever. I’m looking at your boyfriend, so get out of the way. When a man is in a long-term relationship with a woman but being sexual with men, either looking at porn or having actual sex, he either will or won’t be homophobic.
A lot of the time these men come in on their own and they’re holding my book about coming out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? That’s unusual, because most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is having gay sex, he’s gay. With gay clients, they say they feel the same way; with bisexual clients, they say they’re looking at both the men and the women; with straight clients, they say they’re looking only at the women. Interestingly, it’s the gay men who are homophobic.
If he has a need that she can’t meet or doesn’t want to meet, then she’s OK with him cheating, as long as he’s not doing it with other women.
That said, I do see a lot of couples where the woman says she’s OK with the man continuing his behavior, as long as it’s only with other men.
What is it, typically, that drives these men into treatment, whether it’s on their own or with their wife? Usually the wife discovers his history on the computer. Even if he’s confused and doesn’t want to come out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will come out. They might be into BDSM or they might be into power exchange, and they think they can only find that with a man.
He’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been hooking up with guys he meets through Craigslist. He may be telling himself that it’s a purely sexual thing, just like the bi and straight guys are doing, but over time his true identity will come out. Or they might be into cuckholding, where two men and a woman are engaged in sexual play but one man is submissive and the other guy is dominant and the submissive guy gets the dominant guy hard. It’s sex play between two men and a woman, but if the woman were to leave the scene the two men would be completely turned off.
This population is the focus of his new and much needed book: .
I am pleased that Joe has written this book, as I have had to deal with these questions in my own practice relatively often, as have many other therapists. Number one is the high incidence of male-female couples entering my office because the woman thinks her man might be gay. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason he’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been having sex with men. I should probably state up-front that these questions are based on my clinical experience, not on any scientific research, but I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I can assure you that these questions are definitely on-point. I also use what I call the “beach test.” I always joke with clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walking on the beach and checking people out, the women are in the way.